Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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