I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.