Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There's always time for handjobs
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.