I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????