Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
