Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
