went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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