take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
