me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
