I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.