Cold hands, warm shart.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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