I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
