I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
