i think my tv is drunk
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
