my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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