That's intense
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
