So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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