Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
