can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
