i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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