I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
