am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
