i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
