just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
