Don't make out with my wife yet
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
