I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
