he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
