I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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