If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
