"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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