Soap is not a condiment
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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