umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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