You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is classic penis vs brain.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
