She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
