OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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