she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
