It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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