my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
