I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
