Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
