You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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