I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
