so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
