Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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