Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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