Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
