I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
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I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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