you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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