I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
