I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My dick has a subreddit
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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