sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You made out with two different species that night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
