I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Houston, we have a squirter
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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