I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
