I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
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dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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