Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
