I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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