You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am mentally ready for anal.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
