ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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